HUNTER - You will need a heart to live.  The Wizard will not give you one as you do not deserve one.  You might want to contact the Tin Man, as you will be needing armor.  You cannot be fixed. 

UNDER 69 IQ - This is a genetic problem and therefore cannot be fixed.  I suggest surgical neutering - DO NOT REPRODUCE!!

NARCISSISSTIC/ NONDESCRIPT - You are nothing and of no value, therefore you cannot be fixed.  I love me and no one but me matters.  See also Egotistical and Redundant.  Please, please...  I implore you to break the mirror before any further damage is done.  The sight of you alone is enough to scare most and the thought that you are having thoughts makes one dizzy!!!!

TERRORISTIC - You need to unite with others of your kind and please count to three (if you can) and pull the pin.  This is a fix.  

EGOTISTICAL - A true member of society basking in the wonder of self.  Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is fairest of them all... The mirror just threw up.  Oblivious of anything around you.  A fix might be to break the mirror.  

RENDUNDANT - You seem to enjoy chasing your tail therefore, your view must be getting boring, so you need to find a new sport, or if you're not capable of this I suggest euthanasia.  As a wise old Indian, Poof of the Spoof Tribe (he has a Boore named after him), once said, "Get off my Earth IDIOT".  This is a fix.  

THE STORY OF POOF  

This page is dedicated to all of those who have ego issues and replace their lack of self-esteem by killing dogs.  Thrill seekers who love blood sport and get their kicks from watching dog fights, dog hunts, and the general destruction of life.  

Let me introduce my two favorite critters... a wild Boore called "Poof" and his stalwart companion, a hunting Reindeer called "Dearie".  Dearie has impaled many a Boore hunter on his antlers and is considered one of the best hunting Reindeer of our times.  He does not belong to any organization, yet he holds titles of Endurance, Furious Pursuit of Prey in record time, Babysitter of young hogs.  His nemesis are hog hunters.  His dream is to be turned loose with his companion Poof and hunt those who hunt Boore.  He wants to toss them into the air and let them fall upon his antlers while Poof stands by singing their victory song.  Some call him "Dearie the Impaler".  For good luck he wears as a talisman around his neck of a hunters tooth.  If you are walking in the woods and you encounter a wild Boore with a Reindeer, do not be afraid if your heart is pure.  If it is not, BE VERY AFRAID!!!!!!     

While this is done in jest, it is not far from the truth and the truth is out there.  One can NEVER escape the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE ON POOF!!!!

Boore and Dearie have devised a new project.  It is still in the planning stages, but they are working out the kinks and it will soon come to fruition.  It is to be used for testing the Stupidity of Hunters.  It will take place in a large outdoor arena where obstacles of various natural settings native to hunters.  Items will be stragegically placed to confuse all participants.  (ex: a FastMart where one can buy beer, as well as a stump for one to sit and drink the beer).  Truck parking will be provided adjacent to the arena where hunters can leave their coolers and guns, as guns aren't allowed in the hunting arena.  One will enter the arena with the idea of pursuing game in a wild setting.  A Boore of massive proportions will be wearing a red flannel shirt so to be clearly recognized.  The hunter will then be expected to run down Boore and wrestle it to the ground in record time by following a blood trail (its really Ketchup).  If the hunter cannot prove themselves by doing this they will then be let into another section of the arena where a tall Ugly Reindeer will kick their ass and they will then be denounced by a panel of Judges as, A Non-Proven Hunter.

It has also come to the attention of the Wizard that because of complaints from the Boores, they feel they are ugly enough on their own and should not have to be hunted by fat (as well as ugly) hunters.  The request has been submitted in writing that the hunters at the very least bathe and shave.  It has been highly suggested that any hunter who has more hair than the dogs should be immediatly Denounced!  The Wizard feels this is not an unreasonable request.  There will also be a further dissertation on weight limits (not for the Boores, but for the hunters) but this will be discussed at the next monthly meeting in  Oz.